Ever felt like just giving up? Brett Favre knows what it feels like to be beaten up and left without energy to go on.Politicians also know what it’s like.Unfortunately, some fathers know that feeling and give into the temptation. The ancient Hebrew prophet Elijah knew what that felt like too.“It is enough; now, O LORD, take away my life, for I am no better than my ancestors.”The Psalmist knew this feeling:“My soul is cast down within me.”
But when we look at this ancient story closely we see that things don’t add up and we are left asking, what gives? Indeed, as Elijah had the world by the tail.He had everything going for him.Just before this passage of retreat to the holy mountain we find Elijah boldly taking on the prophets of the ancient indigenous god Baal.Elijah saw his mission as ridding Israel of this idolatry so that it might worship the one true God YHWH.The king of Israel, Ahab had married a foreigner, Jezebel, who insisted that the god Baal would be worshipped alongside this strange, jealous god of the Hebrews.Long story short—there was a big show-down at Mount Carmel between prophets and gods and Elijah’s God Yahweh won the day in dramatic fashion, and then there was a blood-bath…450 prophets of Baal where slaughtered.Things were going well for Elijah; a victory in which not only did he win, but he was fearless, confident, self-possessed in the process.
Then when he hears that Jezebel threatens him verbally he suddenly runs away—fearful…a feeling of inadequacy and defeat overwhelm him.It’s like a professional boxer, after winning the heavy-weight championship being knocked out by a 4-year-old.What gives?Why this sudden change, retreat, doubt, and depression?
He flees to the south, 200 miles, where he requests that God take him…that he die.An angel feeds him and encourages him on to the holy mountain where he hides in a cave, whining, self-righteous, full of self-pity.
So how do we understand this strange swing from being on top of the world to deep depression?From victorious God-defender to scared weakling?From Prophet of the one true God, revealing God’s power, justice and law, to this lone fugitive in a cave of self-pity?Taking some risk, I’m going to tell you something of my own story, as a way of getting into Elijah’s story.
I grew up number four of five children in a parsonage.My father was a Methodist Minister and my mother a Registered Nurse.My early childhood is filled with wonderful memories of discovering the world, my own consciousness, and the mischievous adventures that my little brother and I would torture my mother with.
When I entered school, however, my memories became torturous in another direction.What I didn’t know then (and my parents and teachers didn’t know then), was that I have a form of dyslexia—you know, the mental/visual problem of turning letters and numbers around…seeing a different arrangement of letters than was actually on the chalkboard.Repeatedly failing in the simplest tasks of math and reading led me to believe I wasn’t smart enough to learn.My parents and some of my teachers didn’t give up on me though, and eventually my condition was diagnosed and ways of working with and around this disability were found.
Part of that adaptation (as all children with learning disabilities know), is working harder to get the same job done.Effort, perseverance, persistence, zealousy… these qualities, and the encouragement of others enabled me to succeed where some had written me off.I finished an advanced mathematics class in high school with a B+, completed college early with two majors.Two weeks later I was in graduate school, finishing that a year ahead of schedule.At the age of 23 I was married, had one daughter, was ordained and serving in a parish.It makes me tired to even think about it now.
12 years, two additional kids, a couple of parishes later found me in a good place.My ministry was going well by all indications.Marriage was vibrant and life-giving.Kids were pre-teen, therefore not too torturous at that point.I had succeeded. I proved to myself (and those teachers who didn’t believe in me) that I could do this. Like Elijah, I had defeated the enemies that threatened my life.With hard work, persistence and the love of those nearby I had made it.And yet.And yet, I declined into my own cave of depression, a mild one albeit, but a depression that I could not understand, nor crawl out of.It didn’t make any sense.Everything was going so well…why should the luster of life lose its sheen?
I didn’t have a broom tree nearby to sit under, so I sought out a friend who knows something of these spiritual struggles. I drove south two hundred miles and told her I had no external reason for this loss of focus, energy, well-being.I couldn’t read beyond what I had to for work, I felt less and less adequate for my work and especially the role of preaching.Sunday afternoons the demons of self-doubt would come (as they still do sometimes) and ask me who I think I am to preach at all.
After listening carefully for some time my friend told me three things—bread and water to continue on my journey:I should see my physician, I should seek out a counselor to work on my workaholism, and that she thought that God was doing something new in my life.My first thought when she said that was, “Well thanks a lot!”This was not fun.But she was right.
So what does my story have to do with Elijah?Well, my sense is that we all get wore out at times, when we are operating on our own steam.I found that my own energy, hard work, self-effort wasn’t enough, and that I needed to rely on God and grace to stay healthy, whole, and in the ministry.Elijah thought that he was the only one left to do God’s work, “I alone am left.”The truth was that God was also working in others to bring about his will.I began to learn that the kingdom wasn’t dependent upon my hard work.
Elijah, holed up in that dark cave, felt the earthquake, wind, and saw the horrific fire pass outside.The flashy external didn’t do it, but afterwards the sound of sheer stillness—emptiness held something.Perhaps the lesson for Elijah was that the flashy and dramatic successes of victory over the prophets and gods of Baal were one (maybe even paler) way God operates, but that God also works in quieter ways behind the scenes.After this cave experience, God tells Elijah to work cunningly to anoint a new king behind the scenes and pass on his mantle to another prophet.God works in the head-on dramatic battles—but God also works in subtler ways.
For me, the learning was that God’s grace was shown to me not only in those successes that to me were dramatic, but also, mostly shown when I ran out of gas—in my poverty, in my weakness, my humbling—when I couldn’t do it anymore on my own power; God’s grace was shown to me in the love and compassion of my wife and family, my congregation who hung in there in those dark months, a caring doctor, a skillful counselor who led me to understand my compulsions and trust God’s grace and spirit under my life more.These quiet things shout the grace of God and the wonder of life given back once again.Resurrection.
